Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Things don't go the way you want them to... darn

Hey Jessica here. It's been a long time since I could do anything on my own. Whenever i need to go anywhere (in a car), my mom or dad needs to take me. I don't and probably can't drive, and I bet that taking me places isn't my parents' cup of tea. They do that all the time: to my friends house, to my appointments, and to other unneccessary places.

Let me tell you about me so you'll get the whole picture. When I was 5 years old, i had a brain tumor... big whoop... It was the kind of brain tumor that was in the back of my brain... or so I've been told... The surgeons took out the most that they could (without disabling me). I was fine after that. I had lots of friends, a boy who I had a crush on (and who had a crush on me I've now known in recent years), and i was smart (well, smarter than I am now). I loved life, but those 4 years were the last years I would be normal. The tumor started to grow again. Another surgery was about to happen, and after, my normal years were gone. My second surgery took place when I was 9 years old. I still can't forget what I saw in the mirror as I was looking at myself for the first time with a disability. I thought I looked weird. My left eye was (and is still to this day) shut. When I opened it with my finger, I couldn't move it. The right half of my face drooped and was (and is) weak, the right half of my body was (and is) weak, so my arm always spazzes out (so annoying), I need to wear a brace around my foot (which is hurting me everyday), I'm much slower (which put me into resource classes), and my memory is not all there (I think I have 95% of it). Oh ya, they had to shave my whole head in my first surgery, and they had to shave half of my head in my second surgery.
I went back to school (5th grade), and from there kids started making fun of me. I had a few friends (but were they really?) I was so outgoing when I was normal, now what's happened? I was broken in many pieces, even adults made fun of me. From then on I would be a depressing child.
My eye was beginning to open, but then I had to have my third and final surgery. That surgery ruined me. The surgeon said that if my left eye didn't open within 2 years, then it would never open.
So there I was, I couldn't do anything that I wanted to do before... this sucks. I loved playing soccer... check that off my list. I wanted to become a surgeon... check that one off my list etc.
I would cry in my room for hours hoping that God would take my pain away; make me normal again, but what i needed to do was accept myself for who I was. I'm still trying to this day.
It's really hard to make friends. They expect you to be funny, not stupid, and quick, and I amnone of those.
I have one real friend, and that's it.
So that's all about me; my past.

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