Looking back...

Looking back on 2010, I get this feeling of nostalgia. This year has gone by so fast! It seems as if it is 2006 when my mom, sister, and I were in Korea visiting my relatives and my grandma RIP. I miss Korea! I hope the coming year will be blessed and full of wonder and excitment! My life is blessed with friends and family! I couldn't have asked for a better year! :)(:

Out and about on a beautiful Sunday night :)(: Rain more please :)(:

Will people just stop peer pressuring me? I am very weak; I'll easily give in. I really don't like that about myself. I wish that I were strong enough to just say "no", and sometimes I am. But it all boils down to the decisions I make, and most of the time it's the wrong one. It's like someone is being my puppeteer and I am their doll; controlling every move I make. Am I doing this because I want the peer pressuring crowd to like me? If I am, that's wrong. They should like me for the person I am.

What I wish...

1. I want to go back into the past, as I'm sure most of you want.

2. I want to become a different person for a day.

3. I wish I were a genius.

4. I wish life were easy.

5. I wish I could do what physically normal people could do.

6. I wish I had an insane amount of money coming in regularly without having to work for it.

7. I wish I knew what every word meant such as dornick.

8. I wish I could be finished with school.

9. I wish I knew how to speak and write in every language.

10. I wish I could fly.

11. I wish I could teleport myself.

12. I wish there were no illnesses/disabilities.

13. I wish there were no hungry/poor people.

Hi

My grandma died on October 2, 2010. I know she's in Heaven but I would love to see her again on earth. My grandma lived with my aunty in Korea. She was already hurting all over her body so I'm happy she's feeling no pain whatsoever. The sad thing is she died alone. I love you Grandma!!!! <3<3<3<3

So, I haven't been writing on this bloggy thing for quite some time. For the first time, I've been happy. Not just on the outside appearance, but I've actually been really happy :)(: Ever since I started going back to church (not just Sunday mornings) I've started to make friends who believe in the same God I do. They are such sweet people :)(: So I guess I've been so busy that I just pushed away my depression for more than 3 months. WOOOHOOOO!!! Haha. But I need to let out my feelings to a couselor or something.
I really want to be in a relationship. I see all of my friends in relationships and it just seems to be so great. That's not the only reason. I want him to tell me I'm beautiful everyday so that would drown out the voices inside my head telling me otherwise. I want him to treat me like a lady. I might be old school but I want him to open doors for me. I want him to have respect towards my parents, and so on... but I can't see myself with any man. That's probably why I like reading Love Inspired (christian books) books. They take me away from this life for a brief time, and in that brief time the book is my home. But then I always have to come back to reality.

Depressing mood, again...

I feel I'm like Quasimodo from "The Hunchback of Notre Dame" most of the time. Anyone I really like does not share the same feelings for me. This always happens. Couldn't I just have been made to not "like" anyone. I hate this. Whenever I go out, well anywhere really, I always see gorgeous women who are funny, kind, smart, christian. Who wouldn't like them? And then look at me. I had a brain tumor and now I am not who I used to be... I am literally a depressing person. I'm not gorgeous, anymore (I think). I am physically disabled. I wear a brace on my leg. Part of my memory is gone, I can't drive. Now which girl would you choose? Exactly. When I really like someone, I mean really like someone like doodle their name inside my notebook... jk... I'd never do that, and then we're hanging out with gorgeous women, what am I supposed to think. I just say to myself "Don't like him, he'll never like you!" I know it's the devil putting all these lies into my head, but I can't help feeling this way. Don't get me wrong, I still love all my friends. It's just that I want to be normal again, that's all. I want to be able to run and do gymnastics again. I want to do all the things I could do before my surgery. I could do none of them now. What can I do? Tell me Lord. It feels as if I'm not good at anything.

Sorry for being so depressing. This is me on, almost a regular basis. Well, I'm getting better.

Birthday

Ok, it's almost my birthday and I'm not excited, at all. I don't even get gifts anymore. Haha, am I still a child? Is this how it's like to get older? Not looking forward to the special day when you were born?
I went to the Neurologist about a month ago and went back again on Monday. Neurologists test you on simple math, shapes, and other things to see if you are mentally all there. I need this because the Regional Center (a place for disabled people) denied me and said that I'm too smart or something like that. They support you and find jobs for you. I don't know everything about the Regional Center but my mom sure wants me in it. Well, the neurologist said that I have a small case of depression. How sad. Maybe that's why I'm sad about almost everything, especially my birthday.

Likes...

Ok, here is a list of things I like in no particular order.

1. Sushi. Yummmmm. I could eat sushi all day!

2. Making my room as decorative as possible.

3. Photography.

4. The colors blue, green, and purple.

5. The number 4.

6. Books.

7. Air 1 and my Ipod.

8. Looking at my past photos.

9. Classical station on the radio.

10. Traveling.

11. Study and live God's word.

12. Water.

13. SLEEPING.

14. Collecting stuff (which I know I should be done with).

15. Hats. Love Them.

16. Polar Bears.

17. Word Finders.

18. Scrapbooking.

19. Making a chain out of starburst wrappers.

20. Watching movies (which I know I should stop)................

Today was a good day, a little boring though. In the morning, I walked on the treadmill and played ping pong with my mom; that was fun. Then my day was a little boring.
My mom says that I should make "a bunch" of new friends so I could hang out with them so she could "stay at home in peace". Well ok, I added what's inside the quotes. She just wants me to go out with friends and have fun and I get that. I'm not like a popular girl and have friends left and right; I have only a few good friends. I know that people are busy with their own stuff, Ok I said it, STUFF. And I'm an independant gal, so everythings all good :)(:
I could understand that hanging out with my mom all day is (I bet) really tiring for her. I don't drive (I know, a 21 year old who doesn't drive, eek) so my mom has to drive me everywere, well almost. I mean I'm not a spoiled child who tells my mom to drive me places; DRIVE ME TO LAZERSTAR! I'm not like that. I know that I could take the bus, but my mom would rather drive me.

Today was the first out of many bible studies my churchmates (instead of classmates) and I are going to have. 4 people showed up (which were people from church). It was great, just learning about what we all wanted to get out of this bible study. Of course learn more about God and the bible, but to also have fellowship and teach others about Him. So there wasn't actually bible study today, but next week there will be. We are going to try and have the bible study in a room inside PCC. Well, when we were done, a friend of mine took me home (her mom was driving). Her mom was saying that she had a few friends where their husbands treat them as if they are their property, telling them what they can and cannot do. So the husbands can do whatever they want while the wives have no life of their own. That's sad. Having to ask your spouse if you can hang out with your sister. What's wrong with that? Everything.

Yay! Today's my parents anniversary! My dad is at work so when he comes home we're (me and my parents and maybe my sister) going to go to a restaurant.

It's raning so hard outside. Luckily it was only light drizzling when bible study ended because I would then be running from the car to my house in the rain.

Relationships... ugghhhh

Yesterday, I went to church with my parents. I was pretty happy that day also. They went to the sanctuary while I went to the college career group. In there, the leader was talking about relationships with friends, boyfriends/girlfriends, spouses, etc. We were not created to live alone. I felt so sad afterwards. Am I going to die alone? When my parents are no longer here, then who will take care of me. I'm 21 years old (for the moment) and you probably think I can take care of myself and you're maybe right. Who will help me live a life when it's difficult for me to get a job? Well, I got sad at the end of our time together. After prayer, everyone started talking to one another and I was the only person not talking to anyone. I felt so lonely and so out of place. I got up and walked out of the room not saying goodbye to anyone. I know this whole thing might sound a little childish. I mean, I should get over this. I think into everything such as what they're thinking or doing. Most of the time I feel sad because of what I think.
My dad said that I have low self-esteem problems because I think so negatively of myself. I think that people are nice to me just because they have to be. I also think people are my friend because they want something from me, they're using me. I think that no one will like me because I'm so sad all the time, which I'm not anymore, and I think that I'm not funny.
No guy will like me because there are funny, smart, kind, gorgeous women out there, so why choose me?
I know I'm sounding a little depressed, but that's how life is for me.
Well, to end with a high note, my parents anniversary is tomorrow. 25 years they've been married. Wow!

Hello there!

Hey long time no... talk...? I haven't written on this Blog because I'm not really a good writer. In my head I am, but then I speak and it all comes out the way that I don't want it to sound. Sometimes I don't even make sense. But o well, I will type on.
I got my hair cut today, short. It looks alright in my mind. After the "hair cutter" (what're they called again?) cut my hair, it looked so good; I actually liked it. But since my hair is wavy (not in the good way), after I took a shower, it became this wavy, nasty looking mushroom. When I wear a head band my hair looks decent. Luckily there's a way you can fix this. Hair straighteners.